Not This

The last two months since I have written have been wrapped up in a lot of fuss and fury. Learning about a job…writing the application…submitting the application…waiting to hear….a phone interview….waiting to hear….an invitation for an in-person interview….a marathon interview….waiting to hear….waiting to hear….and not wanting to hear that alas, the job did not come through.

A month of sleepless nights and restless imagining of what if…if only…. As a friend wrote, “When you hear about an opportunity like this you have to jump all in. Imagine that new life, the transitions, change, possibilities.” All the imagination that leads to a swirl of excitement and anxiety – and those sleepless nights.

And in the waiting, the in-between and not knowing of a process of possibility like this, all the stories. The endless stories to fill in the not-knowing. What they must be thinking or not thinking…..Why they will call and why they have not….All the stories after being told “no, not this.” If only I had done this… said this…been this… anything other than who I am….

And so my sailing Adventure this year has turned to an “ADVENTure”. An Advent season of dislocation and waiting. A season of waves of fear and anxiety in this time of not-knowing.

At the heart of my job search was a longing for a story. A longing for a story that would be a capstone to this year of dislocation and discovery. A story that made “sense” and a fitting completion to the story of this year. A story I’d be proud to share and others would celebrate.

But the story of my life this Advent is not that story.

Neither does the story of the walk to Christmas go as expected and planned, not as we thought it “should” have gone.

Instead the story of the journey to Bethlehem is a story born from dislocation and fear. A story of a struggle to find home a long way from home. A story that the way God comes is not the way we expect or believe God “should.

As with the characters in the Bible story, this Advent can both thrust me and you into fear and open us to wonder.

What I already know is that the story promises only this: If we are open to being in this season of dislocation and things not being as they “should”, if we really stay open to what this season is offering us, what this coming of God looks like, we too will be surprised and forever changed.

Not this.

Not that.

No knowing.

I wonder….

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